I don't do that!

“How can she believe something like that?!” Have you ever been amazed at another person’s way of thinking? Yeah, me, too.

I've been thinking lately about how we judge each other. All of us. We hear them talk, or see something they do, and think, “I wouldn't do it that way.” That’s judging.

Last month in the course of some pastoral conversations, I found myself needing to say, ever so gently, “You might be judging this person.” (Honest, I was quite caring.) And, each time I said something like, “Do you think you might be judging them?” the person responded, “Oh, I’m not judging!” But based on what they were saying and how they were saying it, some judging was clearly happening.

It seems we've conditioned ourselves to see judging others as something so bad we can’t bear to think we’re doing it ourselves. Judging is what other people do… about:

• People who vote conservative, believe FOX News, or take the bible literally.
• People who vote liberal, hug trees, or see scripture as a metaphor.
• People who are messy or sloppy, let the grass grow long, or wear too much makeup.
• People who are (overly) neat or organized, or shave their lawn, or dress severely.
• People who use poor grammar.
• People who are (overly) concerned with using language correctly…

From my own personal list... My dad died from complications of COPD and for years, every time I saw someone smoking, I wanted to shake them. I’m bothered by people who act like they know more than I do, especially when they don’t. I hate when people use Round-Up even though it’s public knowledge that it’s a neuro-toxin. Oh, and when people make excuses! That just steams me. (Even though I do it myself.)

Yes, I judge… too much. Don’t you? I thought so. There’s no shame in it, really. It’s part of the human condition. But that doesn't mean we just accept it in ourselves. I know someone that would regularly say, "I've admitted it. That's the first step." And maybe it is. But some of us never seem to care to get to the second step of working on it.

Synonyms I found for judgmental include critical, disapproving, disparaging, negative, arbitrary, and subjective. I've started wondering if maybe we need to re-package the wording to make it easier to face the elephant in the room.

After Markus* attended a conference last year, he shared his notes with me. One particular piece stayed with me (and I've been trying it.) Here’s my paraphrase:

If you’re having trouble with someone (or some group) do the following: 

1. Sit on the floor;
2. Draw a circle around yourself;
3. With all your being, pray to G-d to transform everything within that circle.

It's not what you look at that matters. It's what you see.

Henry David Thoreau

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Senior pastor here at Appleton: First United Methodist Church