a block away from true self

I didn’t intend the pun in the title but as Pooh said, it wanted to come so I let it. 

It probably comes as no surprise that “true self” is important to me. This blog includes as labels both “Being Authentic” and “Integrity.” As often as I talk about it, “Wholeness” should be included on the list too. Today’s focus is a particular block to my wholeness

While I have no passion for getting ahead and almost no competitive spirit, I left my formative years believing that productivity and accomplishment were paramount. Rather than being my best self, doing my best – doing all that had to be done – became the rule for me. Anything less was failure. (I failed a lot.) I’m not blaming anyone. I was a product of the systems in which I grew up, yes, but I also interpreted the lessons I was taught through a too-literal lens.

I recall “creating” (with the aid of Trichem paints) a wall hanging as a teenager. Made of faux leather, it had a graceful tree, winding path, and the words “Happiness is found along the way, not at the end of the road” stamped on it. The hanging graced my parents’ home for decades, quietly mocking me when I’d visit. I believed the sentiment then, still do, but didn’t – somehow couldn’t – live in that belief.

Besides seeming to have a Type A personality when I really don't, I’m a One on the Enneagram. Ones are generously called “Reformer” or, less generously, “Perfectionist.” Both fit me. We can be:

• Highly principled;
• Judgmental and uncompromising;
• Perfectionistic, purposeful, and self-controlled.

We can

• Strive for integrity,
• Fear corruption, and
• Have a strong sense of the “right” and “wrong” way to do things.*

Don’t get me wrong. This can be good. Any “type,” when balanced, can be fine, healthy and strong. One can accomplish great things. And any “type,” when warped or lacking balance, can be unhealthy and leave one unpleasant to be around. That was me when I was living outside of my native self – with plenty of time-urgency and impatience.

Last month Kay sent me this picture of a panel from Rachel Smythe’s online comic Lore Olympus. (It’s really popular.) When I went back to count how many times “productive” had come up in five years of texts between us, we were both surprised that the number wasn’t larger. She was with me when I was pastoring three churches while attending seminary and working on an M.Div. I was there when she was earning a 3.96 GPA at a competitive university. I expected a lot of each of us and she took on some of this for herself. (I’m paying closer attention now to the messages I convey to my kids.)

“Look at the birds in the sky. They don’t plant seeds, harvest or gather crops. Yet God feeds them. Aspire to this!” Matthew 6:26 (Okay, I paraphrased.)

I believe in my bones that real joy is found in the journey, at least for me, but until recent years I didn’t even try living this way. Moments of wonder were wedged between tasks. And if they didn’t fit I simply bumped them to the next day, month or year. Escaping this pattern is surprisingly hard. One would think that 19 months away from everything and almost everyone would be long enough for it to fall away. I spoke to my friend about wanting to learn to travel without a focus on destinations last week and got a puzzled look. I guess it’s easier for some people than others.

Without making this into one more task to accomplish, I’d like to undo the decades of push-push-push. I’d like to relish the present more fully, take my celebration of the now into more facets of my life.

Maybe you’re right there with me, having lost a part of yourself somewhere along the road. What helps you to be more mindful of the moment? Or, maybe you have already lived through this puzzle and come out the other side. Again, what ways helped you to navigate it in a world that expects something so different from us?

If you have suggestions of things that have helped or are helping you, I’d love to hear them!

One of the things I enjoy about the movie Meet the Robinsons is Rob Thomas’ song, “Little Wonders”:

Our lives are made in these small hours,
 these little wonders; these twists and turns of fate.

Time falls away but these small hours,

these small hours still remain.

I sing along whenever its turn comes ’round on my playlist. Songs are go-to reminders to live more fully into myself but I could really use some more ideas.

If you enjoyed reading this, would you consider sharing that on social media?

* From verywellmind.com, https://www.verywellmind.com/the-enneagram-of-personality-4691757 as last seen on February 25, 2022.