Fierce Joy

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

   test me and know my thoughts. 

                             Psalm 139:23

The chaplain at the seminary I attended didn’t usually teach Worship, although she clearly has a passion for it, but the regular Worship instructor was on sabbatical the term I took the class. I’m sure she would have been wonderful as well, but I found Martha Postlethwaite to be fabulous. The sessions were interesting, the discussions, thought-provoking, and the assignments, practical and open to creative interpretation. 

At the end of our time together, we went – class and instructor – to the chapel, where we arranged and sat in a circle of chairs (although as I remember, it was more of a bean shape.) I sat with my back to the bank of windows on the west side of the space. Matt, a young man I knew from earlier classes sat on my left. I don’t recall who was on my right, but I didn’t know her well.

I don’t remember all we did - that’s lost to the past - but one piece has stayed with me. Martha asked that each of us in turn face the next one in the circle and tell her about one aspect of her character, something we’d noticed through the weeks, that reflects – for us – who she is.

I spent the first third of the exchanges thinking about what to say to the woman on my right, until I told myself, “trust the Spirit,” and was able to focus better. (I remember she hugged me afterward, so I trust it was good.) As we went ‘round the circle, I heard things I would never have thought of, but which rang true for me. There were tears … and laughter.

Then it was Matt’s turn. He had a little speech; it might have been rehearsed he said it so well. But all I remember is that as I looked into his face, he said, “You have this fierce joy about you.” I wish I could remember more, but that’s it. I have a fierce joy.

I’d never thought of such a thing, but I claimed it. Right away it was clear that this was part of what I’d been working toward the last five years or so. Since coming to the seminary… Since saying “enough” to a marriage that had become toxic… As I collected pieces of myself I’d lost or given away through the years in trying to make myself into what I thought others wanted me to be.

If someone was asked what word or phrase reflects the person you are, what would they say?

     (Note: This might or might not be your partner or significant other.

      Anyone who sees you as you are and as you could be.)
Is what they'd say something you’d want to claim?
If so, how can you live even more into it?
If not, what are you willing to do differently to change it?

This is important, because we're talking about who we are.
And, despite what they say about old dogs, we can change. We’re expected to!
As long as we draw breath, we can, with God’s grace, redefine who we are.

What defines you?
For me, it has become “fierce joy” (and hope, but that’s another story.)