I think I need some Guidance

I know little about the spiritual beyond an awareness that I need more of it. When, years ago, a District Committee on Ministry instructed me to work with a spiritual director, I first had to find out what a spiritual director is. Turns out, I wasn’t alone in my ignorance. Most Methodists would have been puzzled. Until recently, Catholics – who had kept the tradition alive through the centuries – were advanced far beyond Protestants who had only recently shown interest (after which they’d been learning from the Catholics). In asking around, I learned of a Benedictine community in the area with sisters trained in spiritual direction and made an appointment.

I confess that I did not find my sessions with Sister Ruth helpful. Maybe we were not a good match. Maybe it was that, in not knowing what I was doing, I didn’t know to direct our conversion or what questions to ask. I was doing what I’d been told to do by a group committed to helping folks like me begin our paths in ministry. I’m sure the committee meant well but, looking back, I wonder if the members were assigning me something that they now realized might have helped them in their faith journeys – without really knowing what it was about.

After that lukewarm introduction into spiritual guidance, my family moved and moved again. I went to seminary and earned an M.Div. I began pastoring congregations. My young daughter became a teenager. I ended my marriage. Life continued as, all the while, the seeds planted during those few sessions with Sr. Ruth germinated. Maybe that was the point.

When I returned to the Fox Valley area to serve another congregation, I was ready. And as we sat together in a meeting, I asked my colleagues for spiritual director recommendations. One person offered one name yet it turned out to be a good fit. Until just before her death four years later, I visited Connie regularly. I don’t know if we’re ever aware of spiritual growth as it happens yet I’m confident that it did. Though her training and experience was in psychiatry, Connie was a good listener. She asked good questions. I could bring any topic to our monthly conversations.

Since her death, I’ve been without again. Life continued with all its good and bad – friendship, illness, rejection, pandemic, healing… I’ve been wanting, needing, someone to accompany me spiritually but the timing has seemed terrible. Still, the feeling had grown more insistent until, finally, I called the retreat center recommended to me by a counselor I saw as I was preparing to transition out of ministry and into healing-mode. Tomorrow afternoon I will drive there. pitch my tent, take quiet walks, meditate and I know not what. On Saturday I’ll meet with Sister Gabe.

I’m hoping for good things but I don’t know what will come of this. I’m leery of over-planning which could lead me to miss synchronicities. Holy moments. So except for trip-taking organization, I’ve made few preparations. Is this a wise choice? I don’t know. My meditation and prayer times this week have set out the intention that I will be open to what will present. I’ve been thinking of topics of interest:

• What does leading a meaningful life look like for me, here and now?
• I’d assumed that times of transition eventually end but I’ve been floating in a netherworld for a long time now. What am I missing?
• Who am I, living alone in my 101-year-old fixer-upper, with no career and a very small circle around me? How can I matter?
• How can I practice accepting what I cannot change?

Four days away is not likely to change my life yet I confess to a hope that I’ll return, not simply renewed but also more ready for either the samenesses or the changes that will follow.