It's all in the mind! (well, a lot of it)

“I get to paint the garage!”

It’s Wednesday and this was my thought upon waking up this morning. Now that I’ve sipped some tea, let me explain…

I’m not delighted to paint the garage. It needs it and would have been painted last year if I hadn’t broken my foot. I look forward to a sense of satisfaction when I survey the freshly painted back wall. Returning my friend’s ladder will also feel good. But I don’t enjoy this project as I do some others.

Why the predawn enthusiasm then? Psychologists tell us that we can change the way we feel about tasks or relationships by changing the way we talk about them. When we express frustration or distaste, this colors our perspective. The relationship becomes burdensome. The task, more onerous. The reverse is also true. When we speak with pleasure or excitement about our relationship with a sibling or the task ahead, we are more likely to approach it with anticipation. “I get to paint the garage!” reflects an intention to change my mindset.

“A mindset is a belief that orients the way we handle situations—the way we sort out what is going on and what we should do.”i Carol Dweck wrote about fixed and growth mindsets – “My abilities are set and I can’t change them” versus “If I keep working at it, I’ll improve.”ii Gary Klein studies other types of mindsets as well. He explains that mindset influences whether police officers or military personnel use intimidation or trust-building as they seek compliance.iii

I’ve only been working (again) on my mindset for a week so I can’t say yet if it’s helping. But I’ve been changing into painting clothes without inner complaint – I’m a messy painter – and haven’t groaned about carrying the heavy ladder. The work is happening. Maybe that’s enough.

I'm not suggesting that “fake it ’til you feel it” is always a useful strategy. I was mistaken to believe it would suffice for absent feelings in my marriage. Yet it worked for John Wesley, founder of the Methodism movement (and subsequent Methodist denominations) when his faith was shaken. An Anglican priest, he had felt called to travel to Georgia to win people to Christ but, once there, he failed not only in that but also in his efforts to win a certain woman's affection. Dispirited he boarded a ship to return to London. During a storm at sea, he noticed that some of his fellow travelers displayed a sense of peace he did not feel. Once home, he spoke with a trusted friend, Peter Bohler, laying out his belief that he ought to give up preaching.

Wesley:     “How can you preach to others, who have not faith yourself?”

He then asked Bohler “whether he thought I should leave it off or not.” 

Bohler:     “By no means.” 

Wesley:    “But what can I preach?”

Bohler:     “Preach faith till you have it; and then, because you have it, you will preach faith.”

That was in March. Wesley was persuaded to persevere. In May he approached Bohler again who instructed him to keep at it. We can imagine Wesley grieving for a lost faith that might never return. Yet only days later he experienced a conversion experience that Methodist churches commemorate in late May each year.iv From then on, Wesley worked tirelessly, preaching faith because he had it.

What does this mean for us? Maybe nothing. Maybe something.

The counselor I’m seeing assigned me homework to help dismantle feelings of insecurity. (While I have no more fears than other people, mine often run rampant through my mind.) I’m to say, “I value our relationship. -- is a good, committed friend.” I’m often settling into bed for the night before I think of it. That's okay. I say it and smile because they are a good friend.  

Will this help long term? As in all things we get to choose – each day, sometimes each hour – whether we will hope and trust. 

Let's hold to hope!

i   Gary Klein, “Mindsets: What they are and why they matter.”, May 1, 2016, Psychology Today. Last viewed on October 6, 2022.
ii  Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Random House, 2006. Last viewed on October 6, 2022.
iii Gary Klein, “Mindsets: What they are and why they matter.”
iv John Wesley was a prolific journal writer all his adult life. “The Journal of John Wesley is composed of 50 years of Wesley's reflections. These writings offer a first person view of the thoughts, feelings, and prayers of a man whose intelligence and organizational skills were only surpassed by his enthusiasm for spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ.” Here you can find records of his first and second conversations as well as his conversion experience. Last viewed on October 6, 2022.