Facing Baggage

In recent months, I had been feeling increasingly yucky, beginning in July when a surprising uptick in fatigue left me wondering if I would have enough stamina for the Boundary Waters canoe trip. Thankfully, I felt strong and healthy then and even for a couple of weeks afterward. By early September though, the fatigue returned with other symptoms gradually increasing as well so that by late October I was getting worried. What was going on?

Finally I realized that my systems were overloaded with dead bacteria that needed help in exiting. Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction (aka Herx) is the term for the reaction one experiences as harmful microorganisms within the body die away due to treatment. In the last three years, I have observed most of the long list of Herx symptoms I found online. Again thankfully, in continuing my searches I have found similarly long lists of ways to manage Herx reactions and I include a small few of them in my weekly regimen. The problem is that, beyond this, I forget to consider Herx when my symptoms flare, as they will from time to time. For weeks, or in this case months, it does not occur to me to consider this culprit. 

When I finally put the pieces together a week ago and started treating the Herx more aggressively, symptoms slowly subsided and I began to feel better. With my head clearing, I am thinking that I may be at a place in my healing journey where I need to shift the treatment balance. While continuing to battle bacteria (though perhaps less intensely), it may be time to work more intentionally on removing the dead bits of bacteria which I have learned can continue to do damage for years after bacterial death.

If your eyes glazed over with all of that, here's a different picture. In a dream on Saturday morning, the hose of my vacuum clearer – nicknamed the TurtleBug years ago by my daughter – was so jam-packed full of junk that it could not draw air. When I opened its access door, the bag was so full that it exploded, spewing colorful paper and plastic junk all over the floor. Notice a pattern?

So, here's my epiphany. This same sort of thing happens in other facets our lives as well, in our relationships, and in society as a whole. It’s no surprise that residuals from past disagreements can continue to interfere with our connections with others. We might talk it out, forgive, and think that we have let it go yet still be hindered by frustration, grief, or pain. (Our nation – if we can figure out how to heal the breaches that seem to have become insurmountable – will face similar challenges.) I use things like charcoal and clay, infrared sauna and Epson salt soaks to help my body rid itself of the bacterial byproducts that can leave me feeling sicker. Until last week, I had not made the connection that just as I will shift the balance of treatment for my mind and body, I would do well to apply this practice to other areas of my life. One, by working to dismantle the resistance that keeps me from accepting things I cannot change. Another, by trying to shift the balance in how I connect with other persons.

Even when we have no active conflict, I would like to be mindful of what is driving my part in our interactions. Relationships are really important to me. With friends and family, acquaintances and even people I dislike, I can walk away from our conversations feeling better about my part when I pay attention to the baggage that might be influencing me without my noticing. I’m going to try to work on this. Wish me luck!